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UPDATE ON S.A.M: Dear Editor

Updated: Jul 13, 2022

Dear Editor:

Fair Warning! I'm about to get sic.

You won’t know what happened to you, but everyone will be looking at you and you won’t know why.

You’ll be thinking to yourself: Was it the MugShot? The rumor that you have AIDS? The news of your multiple abortions made public by an office assistant with a tiny IQ and enormous envy? The free, online posts of you “Funking Me Goofy?” That short of you picking your nose and eating it? Suffice is to say, all of the above.

But wait. . .there’s more.

You will lose everything of real value in life, even though you don’t know what that means. It’s not about the money, but all that will be gone, too. Thanks to that “SoulMate” (Failed Actress Cum Porn Star) whom I am preparing to plant in your life solely to destroy it. She’s a beauty. Pow! Get to know her you’ll like her. I been watching you.

She’ll lie impeccably. Say I love you so munch, with my whole heart, all of the times. She’ll funk you like a champ and make you feel like the most virile man on earth. You’ll have fun doing nothing together. You’ll feel safe and happy just being with her. She’ll play sports with you and chess and scrabble and cards and music. She’ll take walks and watch movies (porn!!! Hail yes!!!) with you, introduce you to music and cook and snuggle and have fun with you in your own home. She’ll say, “We don’t need to go out! Except for church,” which she’ll pretend to like. Also sprach Zarathustra.

Then she’ll liquidate all your accounts, run up credit cards in your name, take out a few payday loans and a cash advance on your car while. . .you default on your Federal Student Loans. Your tax dollars hard at work! She’ll funk some other skanks on video in your own home and let them rifle through your things while they’re there. And together they’ll pawn everything of monetary worth that they can find. Then, she’ll have you arrested for Criminal Domestic Violence just to get your MugShot in the paper. You don’t know you look ‘til your picture gets took. Fired! And then she’ll disappear. After overdosing twice in your own home while you watch.

Your life’s purpose. Your desire to serve others (if you ever had any). Your intimate relations with kids and family. The only things that ever matter—all gone. And no one with any “depth” will have any interest in you because of your MugShot. Thanks to pigs like you. You’re all just appendages of your cellphone.

See you on the other side,

Orange Crush

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