UPDATE ON S.A.W.: Secretly Abused Woman (SAW) Overdoses

Updated: Jul 13

Dear Doctor:

I have got some great news about SAW (aka Secretly Abused Woman)! JJ stopped shoving her today. After a summer filled with R’n’R (Reelin and Rockin’) SAW did the “Misty Mountain Hop” and overdosed on purpose.

I got to see SAW just before she died—unbeknownst to me at the time--and in typical suicidal fashion she seemed happy. SAW was loudly singing Ain’t Life Grand (WP) followed by See you on the Other Side (Black Sabbath), and I'd assumed she meant all that and had had some sort of spiritual awakening.

SAW then recounted to me the fun-filled events of recent weeks.

Although these events did include Scrabble, Whiffle ball, kite-flying, additional contact sports, spooning, and reading aloud to ??? in the bath (which were some of SAWs favorite things) they also included NO CONCERTS as well as JJ’s continued refusal to leave SAWs home when SAW asked. You see, Land"Lady"-with-a-Fan (she loves boys!) had given JJ a key while SAW was at work and thereby re-established JJ’s status as SAWs tenant while SAW was out. Applause applause applause!

SAW—who remained wholly frightened of the police after her last false arrest and abusive stint behind bars—refused to call the law, thinking, “What good is proof against all odds?”

One evening—when JJ hid SAW’s keys and telephone from her after she finally mustered the nerve to tell him to leave--SAW escaped the apartment house, making a run for it in the dark, and ended up clotheslining herself on the rope that separates her yard from the neighbors. True story. “Hang it up and see what tomorrow brings!,” screamed JJ. “It’s just a shout away!” returned SAW, as she dusted herself off and booked it to the local Safe Home. She’d discovered it was just three blocks down the street.

There at the Safe Home SAW almost died from food poisoning, MRSA, and lack of empathy. “I know God don’t make no junk," she recounted, "but if He did it’d be right in here" pointing at a picture of the SafeHome's filthy kitchen.

. . .

In the immortal words of Anwar Hashim, “All this has arisen for want of mutual love” (Islamic Ideaology, p. 43). You can’t say we never tried. Right?

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