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UPDATE ON S.A.M. (Secretly Abused Man).: Dear Doctor. . .

Updated: Jul 13, 2022

Dear Doctor:

Thanks finally for the anti-anxiety pills and sleep meds. Ain’t nobody doped as me! After snorting just a tad more than the daily oral dose, I slept solid for 3 days straight. I can't believe I'm sill employed! But, I can breathe again and think straight, too. Which brings me to my next question: Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?

Well you won’t be much longer. The gimp’s been instructed to cut your pay, up your college tuition astronomically, take away your retirement and benefits, increase your workload and schedule, and confuse your job description with mindnumbing gossip. He’ll then snip off your eyelids, secure your limbs with rail pegs to a plank, position you upright in front of your 2-way mirror, and saw your cock and balls off with a rusty edge while everyone watches including you. Detach with love!

No worries, though. Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone. Any day above ground is a good one, right? And you might still be able to shit good provided the taint heals right. Just don’t push. For your sake I hope you have good Health Insurance, because your wife won’t be sticking around. I ain’t sayin she a hole digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke nigger. Know what I mean?

So. . .while we’re on the subject of “Promisekeepers,” Did you know that women speak 21,000 words a day, while men speak 7,000? That’s 3 times as many. 3 times a charm if you’re one of the 10,000 talkers. Which I am not. Does that make me gay? I certainly do prefer silence over drivel.

Do you even know who your vice president is? You know. The one you didn’t bother to vote for? Give us the ballet! I’ll be glad to read it to you since you’re too busy posting selfies and bashing imaginary enemies. It says, “For my birthday, buy me a politician!” “1” if buy land, “2” if buy Sea-Doo. Get it? Have a Koch and a smile!

You’re gonna need ‘em. Because currently, right now, at this moment, nearly ½ (ONE HALF!!) ONE-HALF OF ALL AMERICAN SCHOOLCHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 ARE CLASSIFIED AS POOR ($25,000 FOR A FAMILY OF 4 = 1 Breadwinner without a Student Loan at $12/hour) OR NEAR POOR ($49,000 FOR A FAMILY OF 4 = 2 Breadwinners without a Student Loan at $12/hour). This is NOT fake news. Play that tape all the way through, Amrika. Or not. Every dawg has its day.

What is a living wage and who should pay it?

Your friend,

Slim Shady

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