UNCLE S.A.M. says, "I'm shakin' so much with a yearning!"

Dear Supervising Psychiatrist -

You really are a stiff-necked people. Your lack of response is appalling. To paraphrase Drs. William Grier and Price Cobbs (Black Rage!), praise for the clinician who knows the difference between a sick person and a sick world.

The following is a transcript of my most recent session with Uncle S.A.M. (Severely but Secretly Abused Man). He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from his tour of duty in the military, and told me verbatim, “I wish I’d never prayed to God to let me live through Vietnam.”

Please advise.


ME: So, what happened with your sister, HumblePie?

UNCLE S.A.M.: I violated our unspoken “Peace Agreement” by finally expressing an opinion.

ME: Tell me more.

UNCLE S.A.M: Picture this…

[Blurred Lines]

UNCLE S.A.M.: You do what “they” taught you. Albeit indavertently.

HUMBLE PIE: What are you talking about?

UNCLE S.A.M.: Our “elders.” Remember? The ones who loved us and did their best based on how they were treated but were, nonetheless, verbally abusive to each other and to us?

HUMBLE PIE: Rally round the family, traitor!

UNCLE S.A.M.: I am, and I don’t want your kids to end up like you or me.

HUMBLE PIE: What do you mean me, White Boy.

UNCLE S.A.M.: You have a bitch mouth to your family but ack nice in social circles. Smiling and waving and looking so fine.

HUMBLE PIE: I feel nice.

UNCLE S.A.M.: Don’t trust your feelings.

HUMBLE PIE: Strong words from you, “Crosseyed and Painless.” Put the plug in the jug and get a job.

UNCLE S.A.M.: Touche’ Hire Power. Why don’t you give me a job at your company?

HUMBLE PIE: (tch, tch) I know you’ve been searching. Keep on doin’ it.

UNCLE S.A.M.: Can’t you see? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound [smacking his arm] of cure?

HUMBLE PIE: Much “adieu” is all I see. Get out.

UNCLE S.A.M.: I’m bringing sexy back.

HUMBLE PIE: This time around you better watch your mouth. You’re flirting with disaster. I don’t want you near my kids.

UNCLE S.A.M.: I don’t want to be if they end up morally bankrupt like you.

HUMBLE PIE: Don’t come around here no more.

UNCLE S.A.M.: I'll see you on the other side.

(Moment of Silence)

ME: Well, some people want to change history, while others are destined to repeat it.

UNCLE S.A.M.: Manners make the man!


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